Start by praying for your spouse, not about them
There is a difference between praying for your husband or wife and praying about them. Praying about them sounds like a complaint with an Amen at the end: "Lord, please make him notice the dishes." Praying for them sounds like love: "Lord, he is carrying a lot at work right now. Give him rest and wisdom." The first keeps score. The second brings them before God the way you would want to be brought.
A simple way to start is to pray one line for your spouse every morning before your feet hit the floor. Pray for the thing they are facing that day: the hard meeting, the doctor's appointment, the aging parent, the long drive. If you do not know what they are facing, that is worth noticing too, and it may be a good question to ask over dinner.
It also helps to pray over areas of life, not only problems. Over time you will find you see your spouse more clearly and more kindly, because it is hard to stay irritated with someone you are asking God to bless every day. A few things to pray for your spouse this week:
- Their body: sleep, strength, and health for the week ahead
- Their work: wisdom for decisions and patience with difficult people
- Their heart: peace where they are anxious, hope where they are discouraged
- Their faith: a fresh sense that God is near and has not forgotten them
- Their friendships: good people around them who will tell them the truth
How to start praying together (even if it feels awkward)
Many couples who both love God still find it strange to pray out loud together. One person feels like they are performing. The other worries their words are too plain. If that is you, you are in good company, and the fix is usually to start smaller than you think.
Try this: at the end of the day, each of you names one thing you are thankful for and one thing you are worried about. Then one of you prays a short prayer covering both. That is it. Some nights it will take ninety seconds. You can hold hands or not. You can pray in bed with the lights off if that is easier. God is not grading your eloquence.
If one of you is more comfortable praying aloud, let that person lead for a while, but do not let them do all the talking forever. The quieter spouse can start with a single sentence, or pray silently and say Amen out loud. What matters is that you are coming to God side by side, which is a very different posture from sitting across the table negotiating.
“And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
Ecclesiastes 4:12 (KJV)
What to pray when your marriage is in a hard season
Every marriage has winters. A job loss. A new baby and no sleep. A diagnosis. A betrayal. Years of drifting until you realize you mostly talk about schedules and bills. In those seasons prayer can feel like one more thing you are failing at. Let it be simpler than that.
Be honest with God about what you actually feel. The Psalms are full of people telling God they are angry, lonely, and worn out, and He did not turn them away. You can say, "Lord, I do not feel love for him right now, and I need You to help me." That is a real prayer, and sometimes it is the first fully honest one in a long time.
Then pray for your own heart before you pray for your spouse to change. Ask God to show you where you have been sharp, cold, or unfair. This is not about taking all the blame. It is about the one part of the marriage you can actually change. Pray, too, for help from outside: a pastor, a trusted older couple, or a licensed Christian counselor. Asking for help is not a failure of faith. Often it is the answer to prayer.
“The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.”
Psalm 34:18 (KJV)
When there is abuse, safety comes first
This needs to be said plainly. If your spouse hits you, threatens you, controls your money or your movements, forces you sexually, or makes you afraid in your own home, that is abuse. The first step is not to pray harder and stay quiet. The first step is to get safe. God does not ask you to stay in danger to prove your faith.
You can pray and reach out for help at the same time. In the US you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, day or night, for confidential support and help making a safety plan. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Tell a pastor or friend you trust, but know that you do not need anyone's permission to protect yourself and your children.
Scripture calls husbands and wives to love each other the way Christ loved the church, and that kind of love never looks like fear. You can pray for someone who has hurt you from a safe distance. Praying for them does not require you to remain within their reach.
Keep it going for the long haul
The couples who keep praying for years are rarely the ones with the most impressive prayers. They are the ones who tied prayer to something they already do: grace before dinner, a prayer in the car on the way to church, a line whispered before sleep. Attach prayer to a habit you already have and it will outlast your good intentions.
Pray on the good days too. Thank God for the ordinary gifts, the way she laughs at her own jokes, the way he always warms up the car on cold mornings. Gratitude spoken out loud in prayer has a way of making a marriage sweeter, especially when the person you are thanking God for is right there listening.
If you would like a little structure to lean on, the Prayers Academy app has a daily plan with a devotional, a Bible verse, a reflection, and a prayer you can read together in a few minutes. However you do it, keep coming back. A marriage prayed over faithfully, one ordinary day at a time, has a strength that is hard to see from the outside.
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.”
Ephesians 4:32 (KJV)